


Senility

by HidansCrazyLaugh



Category: Naruto
Genre: Akatsuki - Freeform, Gen, Nursing Home AU, Old Age, Stealing, deidara really likes bingo, everyone lives into old age, kakuzu is senile
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-06-20 03:48:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15525396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HidansCrazyLaugh/pseuds/HidansCrazyLaugh
Summary: The Akatsuki are all old and live in a nursing home, Deidara has lost his dentures and tries to find new ones while Kakuzu thinks everyone is trying to steal his watch.





	Senility

Deidara couldn’t believe it. He had lost his dentures. It was bad enough he had lived so long to even need them in the first place, but now they were gone?! He was hungry and wanted to argue about art with Sasori but could do neither because he had no teeth.

So he waited for night, and stayed up until he knew everyone would be asleep, and that’s when he crept out of his room and down the hall. He snuck into the first room and swiped the dentures from the bathroom counter and shoved them into his pocket, then as silently as possible with his creaky knee, Deidara crept back out and into the next room.

Hidan was asleep on his back, mouth open, snoring loudly and drooling. Deidara made a face, he looked disgusting like that. He long since lost his teeth, always having to get into fights. A shame, Deidara thought, because he used to have really nice teeth when he was younger. Deidara took the dentures from the counter in the kitchenette and stuck them in his pocket. He supposed it was a shame his own teeth were gone as well.

After sneaking into everyone’s rooms and taking all the dentures he could find, Deidara went back to his room and emptied all the dentures into a dish. He filled it with water and dropped in several denture cleaning tablets and let them sit until morning.

Early the next morning, Deidara got up and took his bowl of dentures into the bathroom where he proceeded to try them all on hoping to find a pair that fit.

None of them fit though Sasori’s and Konan’s came close only because he had a small jaw but that’s where they stopped fitting. Kisame’s wouldn’t even fit in his mouth and Hidan’s had a crack and it cut into the roof of Deidara’s mouth.

Annoyed and disappointed, Deidara put them all back in the bowl and wondered what to do when there was knocking on his door.  
He brushed his hair, no longer blond but now all white, and went to go see who it was.

“Nurse, is there a problem?” He asked as best he could with no teeth. So humiliating, he had once been so beautiful...he sighed, wishing for his former good looks.

“Yes, we need everyone in the social hall right away.” The young nurse said, “Please hurry, there’s been a theft during the night.”

‘Shit.’ Deidara watched her go across the hall to Kakuzu’s door and tell him the same thing.

“What’s Hidan done this time?! Did he steal my watch? I can’t find my watch! Nurse, my watch is gone!”

“Please calm down, Mr. Kakuzu, no one knows who did it and no, this is not about your watch. Your watch is right there, on your wrist. See?” The nurse pointed to the watch in question that was in fact on Kakuzu’s wrist.

“Hmm, so it is...people are always trying to steal my watch, nurse.” Kakuzu told her, “People around here are always trying to steal all my stuff. I have a lot of valuables. I had a nurse try to steal from me once, I attacked him.”

“Yes, Mr. Kakuzu, I remember that, he was transferred to the other nursing home.”

“Pawned off onto them, was he? I like it. We should go visit them and steal their valuables.”

Deidara watched, wondering just how old Kakuzu was and how he still had all his own teeth...It just wasn’t fair, he was so old and senile but had perfect teeth...

“You better not steal my watch.” Kakuzu growled at the nurse.

“I don’t want that old thing, I have my own watch.” She lifted her arm to show him, “Now, please get to the social hall so we can sort all this out!”

Kakuzu caught Deidara watching and gave him a look, “Are you thinking of stealing my watch? I wouldn’t if I were you, I’d snap your neck like a toothpick.”

Deidara just turned and quickly walked away, he didn’t want Kakuzu’s stupid old watch, that thing never even worked and always had the wrong time which was why Kakuzu was late to everything but he always insisted he had the correct time while everyone else was wrong.

Deidara tried to look as innocent as he could as he entered the social hall, “Wha’s goin’ on?” He asked as best he could.

“Some’um stoe er’boy’s teef.” Zetsu mumbled, “I kill ‘em! Then eat ‘em!”

“No eating anyone, Zetsu.” One of the older nurses scolded, “Alright, everyone is here, good. Most of you know that last night someone went through all the rooms on this floor and stole everyone’s dentures.”

Deidara looked around, everyone looked like they wanted to kill whoever did it and he thought that maybe it had not been one of his better decisions and wondered if he was going senile. Then decided that no, he was not going senile because senile people never wonder if they’re senile.

“Right now Nurse Hyuuga is going through all the rooms trying to find whoever did it. When the thief is found-”

“Sacrifice!” Hidan shouted.

“Pain!”

“Turn them into a puppet!”

“Sell whoever did it to the nursing home across town as a servant and pawn the problem off on someone else and make money off them!” Kakuzu shouted.

“No! What is wrong with all of you?! As long as nothing is damaged, everyone will get their dentures back and the person responsible will not be allowed to play bingo this week.”

“Weak!” Hidan shouted.

“Eat them.” Zetsu grumbled.

“All of you be quiet!”

After fifteen minutes, the head nurse came in with Deidara’s bowl of stollen dentures, “Here they are, found in Deidara’s bathroom.”

“Wha?! I didn’t do it!” He shouted, “I was framed!”

“If you pay me enough, I can protect you from them.” Kakuzu grinned.

“There is no need for any of that, this is not a prison.” Nurse Hyuuga said, “Alright, I’m taking these to disinfect and then you’ll all have to try to find your own.”

Deidara stood there as the others began to crowd around him, muttering what they’d like to do to him while Kakuzu stood to the side, watching and waiting for Deidara to offer him money for protection.

It wasn’t long before the nurse returned, “Alright, line up and pick out your dentures!”

Hidan pushed his way to the front and grabbed a pair, not the one with the crack, Deidara noticed, and was trying to leave when the nurse grabbed him by the arm.

“Not so fast, Hidan, you are going to try those on and make sure they are yours. If they are not, you will put them back in the tub and pick out your own pair.”

Hidan tried to fit them into his mouth but they wouldn’t fit because they were not his, and he eventually gave up and took out his own, with the crack and put them in, smiling widely for the nurse, “Very nice smile. Next!”

Deidara was last and the nurse looked into the plastic tub, “There are no more.”

“Oh…”

She looked at him and sighed, “Let me guess, you lost yours again and rather than tell the staff you tried to find a pair that fit.”

Nodding, Deidara felt like crying, he hated being old and toothless, with wrinkles and white hair. He couldn’t see very well anymore and was unable to make his art because one, he couldn’t see very well anymore and two, his hands shook too much.

“We had a pair turn up in lost and found a few days ago, follow me, we’ll see if they’re yours.”

Deidara followed and after the dentures had been sanitized, he tried them on, “Yeah, they’re mine, hm.”

“Good, next time just tell someone. Now, no bingo for the week as your punishment.”

“But, that’s my favorite-”

“Nurse!!” Kakuzu shouted, “Hidan stole my watch!!”

“You and your stupid broken watch!” Deidara shouted, “I hope he threw it in the garbage, hm!”

“That watch was appraised for 14,000 at the antiques show I went to. I found it in a grave while on a romantic date when I was young.” Kakuzu told them.

“Sure you did, Mr. Kakuzu…Have you been taking your medication lately?” The nurse asked.

"Of course I have." Kakuzu said, but he had not been.

"Are you sure? I'm having someone watch you from now on, it's important you take you medicine. Now, as for the watch. Is it this watch? The one on your wrist?” She pointed to it and Kakuzu lifted his arm up.

“Yes...hmm…” He looked confused and walked out of her office as the nurse watched, shaking her head at him.

“Please, Deidara, go and have breakfast, I have enough to deal with without you stealing dentures…Now no one will want to take their dentures out for fear of someone stealing them again, or they will try hiding them and accidentally throw them out or something! I'm sorry you won't get to play bingo, but I hope you'll have learned your lesson.”

Sighing, Deidara walked out of the nurses office towards the dining room where he got a bowl of cereal and some coffee, then sat down next to Sasori so they could have their daily discussion about art while Hidan and Kakuzu were arguing about the watch at the other end of the table.

"For the last time, Kakuzu! I don't want that stupid watch!"

"You know you want it, you probably think about selling it and getting a better room here." Kakuzu said, he glanced at the watch, "Would you look at that...It's already lunch time, why are they serving breakfast, this place is awful. I hate it here. I want to go home."

"We are home." Hidan told him, "Eat your damn oatmeal."


End file.
